Kristi the Lesbian was not some stranger or a closet case, so when I told her THE GIRLFRIEND was coming by after Thanksgiving I didn’t expect much of a conversation. She said ok. She actually bought some things so that we would be comfortable if she stayed over… in one bed. When THE GIRLFRIEND came in town we went to dinner together, we laughed and joked, my mom even invited her to her 65th birthday weekend in the mountains… where we would again share one bed. All was happy in the Kristiweb family…. until the day before Christmas.

Now I am not sure what happened between the turkey and the Cornish hens (oh yes Kristiweb cooks hun-tee) BUT as my mom and I were walking in the mall she simply says “Is this permanent?”

“Huh?”

“This thing with you and the girl is it permanent?”

Now in true Kristi fashion I said “She sure hopes so”. I’m just saying…

She rolled her eyes, I laughed and kept it moving… until Christmas.

I guess the Cornish hens (yes I’m still talking about the daggone hens) weren’t the only thing cooking overnight.

“I have to let you know that I might make [insert my niece’s name] the executor of my estate because if you can make these decisions I don’t know what else you will decide”

**NO SHADE INTENDED** But are we talking about the 20 year old niece with two children born 10 months apart?… Ma’am have a seat.

I sat there for a minute and simply said “Ok”

I think that threw her off because she went on to say “I just don’t want you to be out of favor of God”

I guess if money doesn’t work try bargaining with my eternal soul. *deeper side eye*

To which I said this (or something like this). “Mom I love you so let me say that first BUT not only is my relationship with THE GIRLFRIEND based in my love for her but also in my love for God. It is very dangerous when people start using passages in the bible to fit into their preconceived notions. It leads to wars… people enslaved… and murder. And whatever you think God is about, He isn’t about that. I found a woman I can pray with and pray for. And if that wasn’t what God meant when discussing our need for a helpmate I don’t know what it is”

“Well I don’t want you to do this because you are settling since you haven’t found a good man”

To which I said this (or something very similar). “Mom let me be 100% with you, trust me there are plenty of nice men that would love to be dating and married to me. I have many guys putting in applications all the durn time(some of them are reading this blog… but I digress)! But they ain’t her and that means they aren’t what I want.”

“Well I know I haven’t been the best example for you…”

Really lady, guilt… I love you but… guilt…

“I love you. I loved my father. You are a great example of a lot of things but this is not about what you did or didn’t do. This really isn’t about you at all. You should be proud that I loved you enough to introduce you to her… that I loved her enough to introduce you to her. That I wanted you to see how happy your daughter is…. That I have someone that treats me the way that I should be”

She went back to sweeping. Sidenote… why does my mother feel the need to clean MY HOUSE her way… Ma’am have another seat.

A week later she sends me a text (Yes I taught my mom how to text)

I’m a good listener and I trust you. I love you.

Mmmm hmm… that and you didn’t want to leave that much money in the hands of a child who still watches Disney Channel. You ain’t slick.

1) Bros before Hoes should have been in the Ten Commandments… Okay maybe that came out a little more blasphemous than I meant it to but… it is definitely stone tablet worthy. I don’t know when that cardinal rule became up for discussion but umm not so much. Maybe I hold people I consider friends to a higher standard than they deserve. Maybe it’s because Kristi don’t love these hoes. But whatever the reason, there is just certain sh*t we don’t do. If you have to ask… Houston we have a problem.

2) Behind every good woman is a dumb ex girlfriend who wishes they hadn’t screwed things up…. I would comment more but… That pretty much said it all.

3) Don’t treat dating like busy work. You know how when you were in school the teacher would give you stacks of busy work to keep you occupied between lessons. I have been notorious for dating (if that’s what you call it) women that I wasn’t really interested in to keep myself busy between real relationships. I almost missed out on the woman of my dreams (who is now the woman of my reality) because I had my nose down working feverishly on my busy work. No bueno…

Wait… *looks around* Not to say that what is busy work to one person isn’t a doctoral thesis to others. *pause* Did that clean up what I meant to say… *side eye* Because I was reallllly trying to clean it up. *shrugs*

4) If people (especially around the holidays) start the whole diatribe that being a homosexual is against God and you sit there looking crazy like you don’t know what to say I want you to BOTH have a seat… and pick up a bible. I am so sick of people thinking they can talk all out of the side of their mouths about lesbians because not enough lesbians know how to stand up for themselves and their community. Lovebugs there is more to being a lesbian than eating pussy. And yes that is unfair but… It is what it is.

Damn I always like to have multiples of fives if I am listing things um….

5) The best sex results in bruises….

Listening to: Sinnerman by Nina Simone
Drinking: Belvedere Red and Cranberry Juice

Blogged from my iPad

Yesterday as I was doing my daily twitter perusal (oh yeah Follow Me) I saw a new trending topic on twitter that made my eyebrow raise. Happy National Coming Out Day

*blink* *blink* really Happy National Coming Out Day.. are you serious?

My single tweet from yesterday pretty much sums up my feelings about it, and if you think I have a little bit more explaining to do after you can always read more…

Now before you get riled up I am all about LGBT pride and coming out… (like a good doily dyke) but “Happy National Coming Out Day” not so much.

It just seems like another term to trivialize the process of coming out which for many was not happy but very painful, very solemn, and left many very alone. From the tweets and the facebook statuses that I read over the day I think there is a large misconception by mainstream culture and US TOO about what National Coming Out Day is.

So with that let me tell you what National Coming Out Day (screw the happy part) ISN’T

- IT IS NOT the day that all the closeted members of the LGBT community have to call their friends and loved ones and say “Hey mom, I’m gay!” for fear of being called “not gay enough”.

- IT IS NOT LGBT Christmas or Easter or Halloween so there is no National Coming Out Day Santa… no hunting for NCD eggs… and hopefully no ill fitting Rainbow Brite costumes.

- IT IS NOT an excuse to let it slip that Cousin Nay Nay likes girls because she should “just come out already”.

- IT IS NOT the day to look for innuendo or decipher tweets from your celebrity crush to see if there is any truth to her “I Kissed a Girl” rumors.

- IT IS NOT  a day to have to explain why your facebook information section doesn’t explicitly say you are a woman looking for women.

National Coming Out Day is civil awareness day celebrating individuals who publicly identify as a member of the LGBT community. It is celebrated by raising awareness about issues that are pertinent to us. It is a time to discuss the health care disparities, the social security issues, and voids that civil unions just don’t fill. None of these things make me want to light candles on a cake or hit a pinata… but that’s just me.

What’s next Hallmark cards and balloons?

What I was listening to: The Revolution Won’t Be Televised by Gil Scott Heron
What I was drinking: Water

I never thought I would be here having to watch you
Smile at the sound of her voice
Blush at the feel of her touch
Relax into her embrace
Know love by another name than mine

But here I stand
No longer on bended knee
My arms surrounding another
My lips dripping with her taste
Moaning another name as i once did yours

Isn’t it funny…

So if that’s not what you want to read check back with me later for a post more to your liking.

Now don’t think this is going to be an extra dramatic declaration or a juicy tell-all because those who need to know the details were there… But I will tell you what I have learned. Whether you have 5 friends or 500, 12 followers or 12000 , one thing is for sure, the only thing worse than a breakup is the lezzie inquisition once your friends (and something-like-a-friends) find out. I don’t understand why people seem to care so much about relationships they weren’t apart of but it definitely appears to be the case.

When EX and I broke up I got it, we had done blogs and radio shows about our relationship so people wanted to where things went wrong…. fine. What I didn’t get was the flack that I got for not giving all the T. I have never gone into the specifics (outside of a few friends and the Dyke Club) out of respect for what we did have, not because I had anything to hide.

I will never forget the tweet I got after I reposted “Going the Distance : e-Long Distance Relationships”. This heffa had the nerve to tweet me that I should take it down because obviously it didn’t work…

Mmm hmm she did that…

She better be glad I was in the middle of a twitter battle with F1 or F2 (I can’t remember which one) or I would have showed ALL THE WAY OUT.

On to F1 and F2… now I have never really discussed them so I’m trying to figure out how to without calling them out. I know that at least one of the two will never read this which gives me comfort but that other one… that other one. They are without a doubt two of the best studs (or women in general for that matter) I have ever met. Whenever I have been in between relationships, having work anxiety, or just being “extra” they have kept me off the ledge… which is why I could never date either of them.

Don’t give me the sideeye…

We all have those friends that are exactly what we want but we are too smart (or stupid) to ruin it with dating. Yep… I have 2. In the end these kind of relationships always become ruined because someone falls into the deep. Funny thing is that this time it was mutual, I was just too smart (or stupid) to say it out loud.

… which brings us to SHE. F*cking SHE who has reinforced why I don’t rush into relationships. There is nothing worse then having your long-term friends meet a short-term acquaintance. Granted we had reservations about her from the get-go (which is why we only referred to her as SHE) but in our moment of weakness (or stupidity) we thought that we were finally on the right path and decided to go all in. Now we are having to decline double date requests, delete comments/photos from Facebook (we don’t want the next woman to be dissuaded by the last one) and retitle a folder that read “Her bday ski trip”. But at least we hadn’t paid any deposits #Winning

Did you notice that I started referring to myself in the royal “we”?

Is it bad that my foremost thought is that the next one better be the right one because I am running out of pronouns o_O?

But I digress, tell me about you. Do you date publicly? How long do date a woman before introducing her to friends? When do you make the ever-important relationship status change?

Tweet me @kristiweb.

What I was listening to — Miles Davis: Kind of Blue

What I was drinking — Belvedere Bloody Mary

Ahhhh…Labor Day weekend has arrived and you’re among the lucky to be in Atlanta or making the trek to experience one of the season’s hottest and most anticipated Prides. Whether finding yourself lounging by the pool or flaunting your goods in the streets, here are some great do’s and don’ts for staying fly in the “sunsplash” that will be Atlanta Pride this hot Labor Day Weekend.

During the day

DON’T. Be sure to make the most of and enjoy this very last holiday weekend of the summer by severing all ties with the “Ugg’s and short shorts” addiction.

This common mixture of winter and summer attire has been running rampant and with no one to answer to in the big cities of America for several years now though it is indeed time to throw it out with yesterday’s basket weaves. Also DON’T carry the same oversized winter bag to all of your fly functions. Though some of us, myself included, love to carry the ten gallon bag that can just as comfortably fit our makeup kits as it can our outfit alternative and curling iron, opt instead for a smaller bag with an adjustable strap that can go from shoulder bag to handbag with ease.

For daytime flair, DO check in to the easy and feminine casualness of up-and-coming designers Veronica Ariel and Shavonne Cooper whose pieces are fun and flirty and still fill that need to go short! iamsocialite.com/
www.shavonnedeann.bigcartel.com

If you’re going to be poolside and it’s literally taking your fashion from street to bathsuit you seek, DO look no further than this hot offering from True Religion Brand Jeans. The same design house that has become famous for its contrast stitching and huge metallic rivets in its high-end denim jeans, has come out with a line of similar pieces for swimwear that is being sold exclusively at http://www.theorchidboutique.com/jeanius-one-piece.html

Eveningtime

DON’T let it all hang out. Some women believe in the motto “if you got it, flaunt it!” However, there is something to be said about a woman that leaves a bit to the imagination. Forget the off-the-wall cleavage baring tops and booty shorts. Instead, come evening time, DO discover a pleasant medium between sneak peeks and short classy dresses. Head over to www.sheilarashid.com to find yourself in a custom sizing/made to order heaven of cutting edge fashion that only delivers and pleases your need for individuality.

~by Natasha Dyer
shesaid2.etsy.com
@ilkwhtshesaid
windyhousegraphics.tumblr.com

Tweet me what you think  @kristiweb and stay tuned for fashion dos and donts from designer @ilkwhtshesaid.

I hadn’t planned on blogging about her just yet but ummm yeah that was before I got caught checking up on her when one of my internet “friends” snitched on me…

Got to be more careful…

I was going to make this post about why I was fact checking (trust me I had just cause) and the aftermath but that’s the least important part. I want to talk about how I got caught. My mistake was not in my method but was definitely in trusting a chick I had never met in person.

Now don’t give me that look, I had known this woman for a year, we were both members of Dyke Club, and I had spoken to her on numerous occasions online and off, we were cool as the breeze or so I thought…

But not only did she run back and tell about my fact checking but she wasn’t even on her grown woman enough to tell me. I have actually spoken to her since and she didn’t say a mumbling word (yes I’m southern). Who does that?

This is why if I said it once I’ve said it 100x — Everyone on your friends list is not your m*f*in friend.

…and I thought the broad sending titty shots and telling my business to the mutual friend I introduced her to was bad. Lawd have mercy.

I had intended this post to be a cautionary one on why “Snoopers Never Prosper” but in case you were looking for tips on how to snoop without getting caught here is the most important one.

Smile. No really, the happier and more content you appear to your mate the less likely they are going to be on the top of their game. When they get comfortable they’ll get lazy and make it easier to catch them….

oh yeah and choose your informants carefully… *side eye*

Oh and one more thing, for those saying “I can’t believe she checked up on SHE anyway.” Please feel free to take a Nyquil nap.

Winter Party Festival – the hottest winter in the world – is looking for enthusiastic and outgoing volunteers to join the festival committee and help produce next year’s event, which will be held February 29 to March 5, 2012.

Volunteers are needed now to plan and coordinate all aspects of Winter Party, including dance events, cocktail parties, women’s events, sponsorship solicitation, marketing and more. Volunteers will also be needed to staff and support more than 20 events expected to be held during Winter Party week. Benefits of volunteering include free passes to the Beach Party all the way up to free all-access passes, depending on the number of volunteer hours contributed.

Staff and committee chairs will be on hand at the Outreach Reception to answer questions about volunteering and describe the many volunteer opportunities available.

Thursday, August 11, 2011
7 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Score – Upstairs Bar
727 Lincoln Road (entrance on Lincoln Lane)
Miami Beach

News Release via Richard Murray

I know we have been hearing rumblings about this project for the last two years but the trailer has been released today. For those of us who still religiously watch Noah’s Arc reruns, this is the fix that we have been feening for. From the looks of the trailer, The Skinny is full of the witty, BEAUTIFUL, and, charismatic black gay men and women (yes I said WOMEN) in the fashion we have come to expect from a Polk film. I am so excited for this to come out. And I know you are too. Check out the trailer below.

About the movie

THE SKINNY tells the story of five Brown University classmates who reunite one year after graduation for Gay Pride weekend in New York City. Magnus has just completed his first year of medical school and is excited to see his friends & introduce them to his new man, Ryan. Angelic Sebastian has recently returned from a year in Paris and looks forward to finally losing his virginity. Devilish trustafarian playboy Kyle is up to his old tricks, bagging as many hot bodied men as possible. Atlanta native Joey is hiding a few secrets, not including the obvious pounds he’s packed on since graduating. And acid-tongued black British lesbian Langston tries to hold her own with the boys in the Big Apple. Through three action-packed days of sex, drama, secrets, lies & laughter- these five college pals discover just how much can change in one short year. And you won’t believe what goes down at the Gay Pride Parade!