Dear Reader who needs to unf*ck some stuff — or a book review of “Unfuck Your Boundaries” by @theintimacydr

re·set/rēˈset/verb

set again or differently.

I am not going to pretend this is a New Year/New Me 2021. I am happy to have gotten out of 2020 unscathed and I am content with that. I do want to work on different parts of myself through the next 12 months. Each month I will focus on different words, and use them to guide that journey.

This month my word to hone in on is “Reset”. I am trying to reconfigure some of the habits (physical and mental) that were causing me harm and reignite some of them that I had let fall to the wayside.

I’m back to counting points on my weight watcher app (which helped be lose 37 lbs, of which I gained back 15 since Covid), I unfroze my subscription with Club Pilates (which helped me tone my body), and am getting back to running virtual 5Ks. The physical game plan was easy because I have seen it work and know its results. The mental game plan… is a work in progress.

One thing that I always loved to do was read. Now granted everything I read wasn’t Hemingway or Morrison. Sometimes I would devour 20 books with titles like “The Thug who stole my heart” and the “The Kingpin’s boss lady”. I have no shame in this at all. Did they teach me the concept of metaphysics, no. But they did teach me what huaraches are… which is something… right? *shrugs*

So I decided that I want to read one book a week. One of them will be specifically about the word of the month. The others will be a mix of everything from memoirs to pure unapologetic trash.

The first book I have selected is… (I would do a drumroll but it is in the title of the post) “Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs” by Faith Harper.

So you have probably heard about this book or the many iterations of her “Unf*ck” books. She has about half a dozen. She is here to help if you want to unf*ck your brain, your intimacy, or your anger. I probably could gain from most of these topics but right now I wanted to work on boundaries.

On to the book. I will say this was an easy read. Easy in that there wasn’t any complicated clinical language. There was a good amount of cussing (which shouldn’t surprise anyone based on the title) and a couple of hashtags. It was simple in its delivery but I found myself highlighting several parts for re-reading.

This is definitely a book that can help just about everyone. I went into it thinking that I wanted to work on my boundaries and staying firm to them. And while I got information on that, in the end I found myself reevaluating how I treat other’s boundaries as well. It created an environment of introspection that I needed… and appreciated.

In addition to boundary work, there was a good amount of insight on communication, especially through conflict. There have been so many times where I thought a quick apology would defuse a situation and it instead became ammunition use against me. Or times where I thought I was giving helpful advice, but it wasn’t healthy, wanted or warranted. I am going to make a conscious effort to use the BIFF technique going forward. I don’t want to give too much of the book away but BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly and firm. This book is full of simple pieces of information that I can’t wait to use for more full communication.

I would definitely recommend this to any reader who wants to improve their communication and/or navigate a world with boundaries (either their own or others). Have you read it? What did you think? Tell you more.

XOXO, Kristi

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