Sex and the Single-ish Life… or What Wet Dreams May Come

sex.jpgIf you follow me on twitter, you will know two things for sure. I revel in irreverence and I haven’t had sex since my 20s.

Don’t make that face. It is a mix of a long winded end to a LDR and a celibate period of self-discovery… or that’s what I tell myself. Hell even before my self imposed drought, my last few relationships were long distance. So the plan was clear when it came to knocking boots. If we are together in the same city, let alone the same bed, IT IS GOING DOWN. Boom-chicka-waa-waa. Continue reading

Why I Will Be That Old Lesbian in the Back of the Bar… And Other Revelations

unnamed (1)Last night I had an epiphany… well maybe not last night because I have been telling Abby DC about this for about a year. I have resolved to be that old lesbian in the back of the bar drinking whisky from my snifter and looking atthe young and tenders over the rim of my glass. Why? Because I don’t think I will ever fall in love… better yet stay in love. Continue reading

Throwback Thursday: Vibrator Tales or My First Vibrator

I need a vibrator. I mean I don’t need a vibrator like I need water and food and air….. I want a vibrator. I didn’t realize I wanted one until I was talking to my girl Lee Lee. And since her wife might stumble across this blog we weren’t talking about sex… well not sex together..or your sex together… Moving right along. o_O

This is not the actual vibrator but it did have an awkward box handle like this one o_O

This is not the actual vibrator but it did have an awkward box handle like this one o_O

I will never forget my first vibrator.

My homegirl and I were creeping around Gainesville trying to be grown sneaking down to the XXX store on the outskirts of town. We were browsing the 2 for 1 porn section** when I saw it… It was pink, it had flashing lights and it was on clearance. Yes the clearance part was important. I only had 30 bucks in my pocket and there was no way in hell I was explaining a XXX store charge to Mother Web.

I used that thing for all of two minutes. As interesting as the lights were when you were looking from the outside… they really didn’t do much inside. The head was huge and bulky. I should have known then this whole penetration thing wasn’t for me. And it rotated like it had a cold. Swirl *cough* swirl *cough* swirl.  I don’t know what I expected. Hell it was on clearance.

I think I was more excited about having the damn thing than using it. I got over that pretty quickly. Poor Starburst didn’t  even make it to sophomore year. Mother Web had a knack for wanting to straighten up my things (read: snoop) while she was in town and I was not ready for that conversation. Fast forward 5-6 years later when we did have an interesting conversation about vegetables… but that’s its own post.

I don’t remember how many other light up… warming… neon… clearance vibrators I sent to the sex graveyard during my 4 years in the Swamp but I’m sure I could have bought a rabbit… or 3. It wasn’t all bad. Towards the end on my journey, I was blessed by the miracle that is the mouse bullet.

I can not WAIT to get this package in the mail.... Feel free to judge me.

I can not WAIT to get this package in the mail…. Feel free to judge me.

*pause with extremely large and excited eyes*

I just googled and ordered 3… yes I said 3.  I can’t believe they still make them and they are 5 bucks a pop so I might as well get backups. I might give them away as gifts. Stocking stuffers… ok I’m lying… about the giving away part, not the 3 blind mice.

I still kinda want to try to get a vibrator though. I need to do some research. Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe I should buy a few and try them all out. Not in a creepy and/or slutty way but for research purposes.

Hmmm…

**Yes it was back in the day when you had to actually buy pornography as opposed to xtubing it… or xsharing it.. or whatever internet freak site is popping this week.

Whatta Man Whatta Man Whatta Man…. But No I Don’t Want To Have His Baby

photo (2)

Now for those who know me, or cared enough to read my introduction, we all know I used to date men for many years. So every blue moon I come across one I haven’t seen in while.  In most cases they are those Hi and Bye exchanges where we lie about keeping in contact.

No shade to these guys but I treat all exes the same, be it ex-friends or ex-relationships, if we wanted to keep in contact we would have. *shrugs*.

ANYWAY, two weeks or so ago, I decided to log into an inactive Facebook account. I saw a few friend requests from old classmates and some random spam accounts. No surprises.  I quickly hit approve and logged back off.

Monday I logged back into the account to download a cute picture that I had found. While scanning my inbox, I saw a message from “Mr. Ex”. Let me give you a quick background on Mr. Ex. I was a freshman in college, trying to “find myself”, and he was a sweet, handsome brother of a friend on campus. Cool. It didn’t last long and it wasn’t a bad breakup, he kinda went his way and I went mine. I linked up with him again right after graduation and we hung out, but nothing came of it (obviously).

Fast forward 8 years to the message you see above…

I promise you I had to read the message twice to make sure that I hadn’t lost my grip on the human language. Did he really just ask me to have his kid? Like hey girl it’s been forever, let me insert some sperm into you for old times sake. Am I the only one that thinks that is FREAKING ODD? What did he expect me to say? Why of course! Not even considering the “lesbian thing”, what straight girl would have jumped on that offer (pun intended)? I know straight people… I have a lot of straight friends and even they aren’t into stuff like that.

Needless to say I won’t be shopping at Baby R’ Us anytime soon o_O. But I am curious to know whether any of you have stories like this one?

Email me kristi at thekword dot com.

… and we are the ones who are only allowed to get married in 12 states… Tut!

Say What?: Pretty Black Women Don’t Have Lesbian Flings

*blink* *blink*

Now usually I let sleeping dogs lie, and lying broads sleep but this is one of those moments where I was like “Please don’t let her be from Florida”… much like when naked men are eating faces on the side of the road… but I digress.

Some of you have already heard about the recent “scandal” surrounding Fl.  Lieutenant Governor, Jennifer Carroll. For those who haven’t, long story short,  Carroll’s former staffer accuses that she was fired because she found out about Carroll’s affair with a female aide.
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10 Things 2 Know About: Nikki DaVinci

Born in New Orleans and cultivated in New York, Nikki DaVinci is a writer, poet, designer, painter and photographer. Be careful around this renaissance woman because her words have been known to make one’s body react uncontrollably.

Just finishing up her first tour with the Punany Poets and with her first book available on Amazon, remember the name as you might be meeting one of next lesbian laureates.

Give her time and she will penetrate your mind with her Bic (if you are into that kind of thing).

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A F*cking Workout…Literally

Wishful thinking... *sad face*

Okay so I just came home from overdosing on food from these great Miami Food trucks
@LaCamaronera @MsCheezious @SugarRushMiami and @gastroPodMiami.
Since I am still batting from Team Single I wanted to know how many calories you can burn from masturbation #finejudgeme.

Along the way I decided to find out some info for you girls with girls as well…This is what I learned during my research….
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